I have considered myself a strong person – a warrior of sorts – for the challenges I have faced head-on in this lifetime and conquered.
I preach love – for others, for creatures, for Her (Gaia, Sophia, Earth Mother), for plants, rocks and all sentient beings and for self. And yet I’m struggling with love of the self.
I am going to be brutally honest because right now this feels like a struggle. I don’t like to generally use such limiting words – but it is where I am at this time.
I know deep within me, my higher self/spirit (that eternal part of me) is so filled with love, gratitude and appreciation for the being that I am. I often catch myself looking at me from a higher perspective, encouraging the Magelion in this human body along with nudges of empowering words – “You’ve got this, kid,” “You are beautiful,” “You’re exactly where you need to be right now” – and yet, there’s this part of me that fights that eternal love.
It doesn’t feel like me, that “resistor.”
I don’t quite know how to describe it since the feelings I have are so strong on both sides of the line.
The devil on one shoulder and angel on the other doesn’t seem like only an idea when discussing self vs self. Are the angel and devil part of one’s innate self or are they outside forces?
I remind myself I’m a spiritual being having a human experience.
Still, this human experience can feel so excruciating when one remembers the true freedom of being a spiritual being.
I remember a place full of real, unconditional love – not surface level love. The love I remember is beautiful, illuminating, compassionate and empathetic. There is no competition, no “I’m better than you,” no finger pointing, no lack or want. All needs are met. There is support and deep appreciation. Wherever that place is, you just be.
I miss this love. I miss it so much it aches within my heart.
I miss feeling free and joy within every cell of my being.
Sometimes I question why I signed up for this when the human experience is so intense and emotional.
How does one genuinely create, maintain and sustain this love from within, when the pressures of this experience become super-charged?
I want to generate and radiate this deep love from within me out – to everyone and everything I encounter. I was doing that up until the beginning of the year.
Then, like a candle extinguished, that light went out. I just can’t find the matches or a lighter to reignite it right now.
~ NOSCE TE IPSUM ~
(Even when you aren’t liking what you’re seeing)