Grief…What a bitch.

I lost an important person in my life due to a drug overdose on January 1st.  Since then, I’ve been trying to pick up the pieces and put myself back together.

I learned that under great stress, I leave my body. This is an old trick I first learned when I was three and sexually abused by two people charged with my care. I have a lot of fight in me, and fought back with determination even at that age, but it seems my mind and body have gotten accustomed to pushing me out of the way, when trauma shows up, to protect me. This is nothing new, nor is it unique to my circumstances.

A cherished friend who also has experienced this told me I need to get back in my body and feel everything I need to feel. I agreed but wasn’t 100% certain on how to do that exactly.

So, I’ve been making myself feel and validating my feelings. If I’m angry, I allow myself to be angry and I scream or freak out or run down to the basement to exercise. I don’t hurt others or myself but I move the energy out. To be honest, sometimes it’s a challenge to not hurt myself due to the history I had with self-harm – just like quitting leaving my body in trauma, it has taken great willpower, intention and practice to push the thoughts out and recognize what my higher self wants for me (which is to enjoy life). If I’m sad, I commit to the sadness and cry. I am not a fan of crying and catch myself alternating between sobbing and silence, as if my body has been totally depleted of tears. Music has been therapeutic, pulling out even more sadness hiding incognito beneath the surface. If I’m feeling grateful, I tell others how much I appreciate them and send love into Earth. This is a process and I don’t have it all figured out.

Like an overachiever, I want to get through it quickly but must allow myself to move through it at my own pace, despite what those around me suggest I do. Grief is unique to the individual grieving.

I can’t expect others to do for me what I need to do for myself.

Know Thyself

And allow yourself to feel and experience at your own pace.

With love,

The Magelion

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